Love & Hip Hop New York Season 5: Episode 1 Recap

   

I almost forgot that Love & Hip Hop New York episode 1 was premiering tonight. I’m glad I tuned in because this season looks very promising. There’s gonna be lights of fighting, lots of hollering, and massive amounts of fukkery.

Anyway, let’s get to the recap.

Yandy Smith is excited because her fiance Mendeecees Harris is being released on bail. Although his legal troubles are far from over, Yandy is just excited to have him back at home with their family.

Mendeecees waits for Yandy with his arms wide open *cue Aaron Hall’s song “I Miss You”

I’m questioning the timing that this scene was filmed. For one, that don’t look like no damn jail in the background, and second of all, Yandy already looked pregnant when she greeted Mendeecees. Either she got knocked up by another goon in the neighborhood, or VH1 is playing editing games. 

Cyn Santana is sleeping over at her girlfriend Erica Mena’s house in a full face of makeup. 

This Mena chick sure does get around, don’t she?

You guys, I’m on the damn late train! I didn’t bother watching last season’s Love & Hip Hop so I’m pretty clueless as to who most of these people are. But, it just came to me, Peter Gunz is the “Uptown, baby, uptown, baby” guy! Oh shyt! Blast from the past. 

Peter and his blushing bride, Amina, are expecting a baby girl. Peter says this is his eighth child. Yes, this sperm donor has EIGHT chirren running around. By the way he was speaking, it sounds like he at least has a good relationship with his children he shares with his ex, Tara. 

Amina thinks it’s important that she and her unborn daughter have a relationship with Peter’s other kids, but Tara shut that down real quick. Looks like Peter’s gonna be working overtime to make this miracle happen.

Peter stops by Tara’s house and that ^ was going down in the living room. Apparently the trainer is Yandy’s cousin or sumthin? Chile, I dunno. That whole scene was so damn random.

Peter wants to talk to Tara about allowing Amina to be around their boys.

    

How can Tara say “no” to that face?

 

And then, things got awkwardddd. Peter tries to push up on Tara and she was not having it.  He looks like his breath stank, huh?

Why is this “married” man all up on his ex like this? Peter is so skeevy. Both Amina and Tara need to drop him. Is the dack that good ladies? Damn, where’s your self respect?

This ol’ thot-ful broad smh. I already can’t stand her and everything that she represents. This is baseball player Darryl Strawberry’s daughter, Diamond. Diamond thinks that because she has long legs, she can make it as a model in New York. So she packs up her things to leave L.A. and move to the east coast. 

Oh, but wait, there’s more to this story. Diamond’s boyfriend of two years, Cisco, also lives in New York and she wants to take their relationship to the next level. Now, there’s a couple things wrong with her dreams.

To start, this bummy bytch is leaving her daughter in L.A. while she goes to chase peen in New York.

Can we hold hands and pray for this poor baby? What kind of mother would do this to their kid? Does Diamond not realize that she’s already living in a city where she can further her modeling career? Los Angeles is full of so many opportunities, why can’t she find an agent there? Oh, that’s right, because this has nothing to do with her wanting to be a model. Diamond has ulterior motives and thinks that Cisco is gonna put a ring on it after she relocates to New York. 

Meanwhile, Cisco is outchea getting his damn life! Yes, in case you needed confirmation, that is indeed fresh fish in his face. 

*Claps hands with glee* This season is gonna be so juicy, and I ain’t talking about Cisco’s lips!

Erica Mena is the oldest looking 27-year-old. I’m gonna need to see a birth certificate. This chick has gotta be pushing 34 AT LEAST.

Mendeecees’ son has no idea that his dad is out of jail. So, Yandy arranges a surprise reunion. My emotions were on fleek the entire time. I couldn’t stop crying y’all. You can feel the love that kid has for his daddy. 

What I didn’t understand was why they kept saying, “I miss you” to each other. Ummmm, why do you miss each other if you’re sitting on the same park bench. The correct phrase would have been “I MISSED you”.  

I know, I’m being petty. And?!

My girl Yandy can’t dress worth a damn. A khaki jumper, pleather jacket with unreadable letters on the back, and Louboutins. Smh, somebody get this chick a stylist.

Yandy throws a “welcome home” party for Mendeecees at a night club and a few of their friends, a.k.a. Rich, showed up. Seriously, this party was so dead. You could tell that half of the people there were extras. Let me find out Mendookie aint got no friends.

Newcomer Chrissy was also in attendance. She has a sit down with Rich and tells him how she used to pimp out Erica Mena. Of course, Rich was eating up this information. He loves him some messy gossip. 

Rich is doing a casting call to find talent for his new liquor project. Chrissy knows some of the “baddest bytches” (yes, they actually used that term…numerous times) so she wanted to help her friend get some good talent. They start judging the ladies that attended the casting call when Rich has to step away because Erica is waiting for him in the bar area.

Erica’s lawyer sent a letter to Rich to recoup some money on the projects they worked on together. Rich claims that he never made any money off of their projects.

Well, no shyt! When’s the last time (or first time?) you heard an Erica Mena song on the radio? Exactlllyyy.

Chrissy wants to find out what’s taking Rich so long to return to the casting. She walks into the bar area and immediately goes in on Erica. I’m really not sure what these two are beefing over. Chrissy claims that Erica used to sleep on her couch and borrow her clothes but you know that’s a damn lie. Ain’t no way Erica can fit a pair of Chrissy’s size size 16 Girbaud jeans.

Mendeecees surprises Yandy by whisking her away on a romantic trip to Las Vegas. Where did this convict get the funds to rent a suite in Vegas? Someone explain.

I apologize for the screenshot, I was having technically difficulties with my iPad. Anywaytho, Mendeecees suggests that they get married. While he was rotting away in jail, he decided that he finally wanted to make it official with his baby mama.

It looks like Yandy’s gonna go through with the wedding but then she backs out at the last minute. Sooo, she doesn’t want to get married but she has no problem with constantly getting knocked up by Manitoba? Alrighty, then.